Sometimes the best love lessons are right in front of your eyes–or, in this case, on your television. Whether you find yourself saddled with a moody poetry writer, tasked with snagging the cutest guy at school or considering ahem, jumping ship, I’m convinced we can learn all we need to know about relationships from 90’s entertainment (and a bit beyond). Here’s a simple (and OK–sometimes sarcastic and sassy) breakdown:
It’s like, totally OK to love your step brother: If Clueless taught us anything, it’s this: that cute guy you have your eye on? He’s probably gay. But no worries, because as it turns out, your adorable, slightly boyish step-brother-but-not-really-step-brother is like, totally is crushing on you. Pass up on love just because some silly law says it so not OK? AS IF!
Don’t play dumb, just be a bitch: Forget faking dumb at algebra to get a guy’s attention–being a bitch is really where it’s at**. In girl world, it’s all about putting your Aaron Samuels in his place. Tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back, then go hook up with his teammate in the projection room above the auditorium. If it’s a Wednesday, make sure you wear pink. Before you know it, guys within a three mile radius will be clamoring for your attention. Four for you Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco.
Hint–nobody likes a train wreck: Having one glass of wine too many and getting giggly with your guy? Cute. Popping pills and passing out in an alleyway in Tijuana? I’m going to go with not cute. The damsel in distress act gets really old, really quick, so get your stuff together girlfriend. Even Coop eventually lost Ryan Atwood (it took like, a zillion seasons, but it happened). I mean, the guy comes from Chino–it’s hard to scare him away. Word to the wise: harness your crazy, ASAP.
Get the heck out of your comfort zone: As Titanic proves, the love of your life (or at least the love of your cruise) may be laying right outside the border of your comfort zone. Dance on a table, spit like a man and don’t write anybody off–you never know, a “steerage rat” maybe actually turn out to be your prince charming. Any guy who says he’d jump if you jump is a keeper. Just please, at least share the couch equally when you cuddle up–there was room for two on that damn door.
Sometimes, it’s OK to hate the one you love: Yes, I said it. It’s OK–normal even. But remember: there’s a difference between like and love. I like my Sketchers, but I love my Prada backpack. Prada backpack-style relationships have a certain ebb and flow…there will be fights and moments where you really just can’t stand each other, and other magical times where things will fall together perfectly. Hate his cooking, hate how he never wears socks, hate eight, nine, even ten things about him. But don’t hate eleven. Hit eleven, and you’re screwed.
Sometimes, all it takes is a little mascara: Take it from Laney Boggs–a little makeup can go a long way. It’s not so much about making yourself look pretty enough for a guy, it’s more about making yourself feel pretty. So what if it takes you a few coats of mascara and a fresh blow-out to feel up-to-snuff? You’ll walk down those plush carpeted stairs feeling like a babe (to the tune of Kiss Me, naturally) and take his breath away.
It’s OK to be the nerd: Or the quiet one, or the virgin, or the worry wart or the dork. Just be you. Nothing is less attractive than someone who screams “trying too hard” and an authentic Josie Grossie will win out over a Phony Phoebe any day. It really is true what they say–there’s a Mr. Coulson out there for everybody. Just uh, make sure he’s not really your teacher. Outside of Never Been Kissed and Pretty Little Liars, that’s pretty illegal.
Be with your Bee Eff Eff: It all boils down to this–at the end of the day, just be with your BFF. It doesn’t matter if it starts out as a Friends With Benefits situation or a full-blown pedal-to-the-metal love affair. What matters is this: you can laugh, cry, yell, argue, celebrate and commiserate together. You have just as much fun making a blanket fort as you doing taking in a ball game or heading out for a fancy dinner. He knows you suck at all forms of Xbox and doesn’t care. You know he only pretends to give a crap if coral or red lipstick match your outfit better. Turns out, guys and girls can be besties–they just usually happen to be sleeping together.
**Obviously, I know being a bitch isn’t where it’s at!